What Can You Depend Upon?
by DistractedlyHere
Summary: DL Angst. Post Season 3 Ep 18. About Danny and Lindsay and trust...and his past. I'll admit to potentially soap opera plot lines here. Oh and warning for some language.
1. Chapter 1: Depths of your imagination

**A/N**: I've developed a really bad habit of starting stories and not finishing them. So I have an outline and everything on this one. I am committed. Outline predicts 8 chapters – who knows for sure, but we will see a fin. Ok, so here we are in my personal AU, sometime after S3 ep 18 "Sleight Out of Hand"…"the cannon one" but I skipped over the hard stuff – homecomings and all that. "They're here, they're together…get used to it" is my motto.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI:NY or its characters, nor do I own the Crowded House song " Four Seasons in one Day" that I titled the chapters after, although not really a song fic.

_Chapter 1: Lying in the depths of your imagination_

It was perhaps the first perfect day of spring. New York's inhabitants still had to wear long-sleeves but no parkas or gloves. Danny and Lindsay were processing a crime scene together, and although it was an alley-way, on the first nice day of Spring everyone from Delaware to Maine was glad to be outdoors.

Danny heard a slight buzzing and watched as Lindsay pulled her cell phone from its place on her hip and snapped it open.

"Monroe." He noticed the sun glance off the parts of her hair that were more honey than brown. She was serious and intent, as she always was on the job. He smiled to himself knowing that any one of his gamut of inside jokes could render her almost giddy.

"Of course, I will, but I am at a crime scene, it will be at least and hour and half before I will be able to." She seemed annoyed and then thoughtful, "Unless this is an emergency in which case I can find…." She paused. "Ok, then I will speak to you later today from the crime lab," she said while jotting down a number. She closed her phone and involuntarily rolled her eyes as she replaced it in its holder.

"Everything aw'right?" He asked, his attention returning to their vic.

"Yeah." She said crouching on the other side of the body. "Some Federal agent. I need to call him from a _secure land line_." She said emphasizing and drawing out the last three words in jest. "Do they have to act like everything is a matter of national security?"

He snorted as he placed some trace in a small envelope.

"I suppose its their job." He said. "What's it about?"

"Danny." She snapped "He couldn't say so much as even the most general topic of his call on a cell phone." She said with mock severity. He grinned and shook his head.

"Probably an old case or something." She sighed and continued processing.

When the body had been taken from the scene at they were satisfied they collected all the evidence present, they headed back to the crime lab. They went their separate ways. Later Danny stopped back in their office to grab his jacket before heading back out to interview a suspect with Flack.

She was sitting at her desk in their office looking over the file-to-date on the case. She smiled reflexively when he entered but it dissolved when she saw him grabbing his coat.

"Linds I gotta go see a man about the antifreeze in his wife's stomach." He said collecting his things and powering down his monitor.

"'k." She said checking her watch. "Your place tonight? I want to talk through something with you," She asked with raised eyebrows.

"That's where I'll be ," he answered giving her hand a squeeze on his way out the door.

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When Danny opened the door to his apartment later that evening he could tell by the smell that Lindsay was already there. He found her leaning over a large pot in his kitchen tasting something from one of his wooden cooking spoons.

He walked up behind her and snaked an arm around her waist. "Smells good Montana. What are we having?"

"Mmmm." Her reaction as much to his touch as to the taste from the spoon.

"Soup." She said somewhat apologetically. "I hope its filling enough for you. I have been feeling a little run down and, I don't know…I just wanted soup." She said grinning at her own self indulgence. She leaned back against him. "I just worry about your ravenous appetites."

"Don't you worry about my appetite." He said rubbing her hip while nipping gently at her neck with his teeth. "I know how to take care of that."

"I know." She said, turning herself within the circle of his arm to face him. "That's what worries me." The held each other's beaming eyes for a long moment. Away from work, alone together, there was bliss in this moment and they knew enough to savor it.

She allowed him to kiss her. His lips meeting hers, his tongue exploring her mouth. When he again moved his attention to the nape of her neck, the spot he had learned was her weakness, she laughed and pushed against his chest.

"No, no, no, no," She said lightly. "I told you have to talk to you, before you make me forget everything else."

He shifted his weight on his feet, he wanted to feign indignation or protest, but her admission that he could erase her mind to everything else but him was too much for his ego to ignore.

He kissed her cheek and rubbed it in with his thumb as a measure of protection that she absorbed it. "Ok, whadda got?" He asked.

"The Fed thing." She said returning to the soup, spooning two portions into bowls to cool as they talked.

"Oh yeah." He said finally taking his jacket off. "what was that all about?"

She moved to his couch and waited for him to join her, she needed to see his eyes. She reached out her hand to him so he would sit near her. He took it and sat inches from her. He was worried there was something wrong with the case in Montana. Her gravity made him fear she was in danger.

She sighed. She had all day to think of the right way to say this, but she couldn't come up with anything eloquent so she decided to just get to the point.

"The Fed, Mike Donahue, he asked me to be a part of an ongoing surveillance." She said softly. She could see the concern in his eyes, so she finished quickly. "Surveillance on you Danny."

"What?" He asked. His mind now racing. "Montana, you serious?"

She nodded. "Yes. Danny." When he made no reply she continued. "He said they have evidence that your father is involved in organized crime. And they suspect he is using you and your position in the crime lab to his advantage."

Danny's eyes grew wide, he pulled his hand from hers to run through his hair as he blew out a long breath. He dropped his head backwards and regarded the ceiling. After a few moments, she found the silence painful.

"I'm sorry Danny." She whispered, and he remembered she was next to him, interacting with him, drawing him out of his thoughts.

"What did you say to him?" He asked, the words out of his mouth before he could stop them.

"I told him you were a law enforcement professional, same as I am. And if you knew of illegal activity you were honor-bound to report it, same as I am. And that I was certain you would not be involved in illegal activities." His lips tightened and her own temperature rose as she retold the story. "And I told him that I was in absolutely no way going to participate in surveillance on you. Surveillance which I could only characterize as profoundly unnecessary." She said angrily.

He warmed as he thought of Montana all but spitting in the face of the Fed.

"Lindsay about my father…" she cut him off.

"I don't care about your father Danny. I'm here, with you. You're not your father." He knew enough to read between the lines. The less she knew for sure, the better off they both would be.

"I told Donahue if there were anything to report you would be the one to call him," She said reaching into her pocket and handing him a business card.

He remained pensive and distant. Having a past you preferred to keep behind you was a thought she was familiar with.

"Danny." She said in almost a whisper. "I can go home if you want to think about this yourself for a while. I just wanted you to know what was going on." She almost imperceptibly drew herself away from him.

He bit his lip and shook his head while letting out a dry laugh. "Montana. I'm not you, you know." He again placed his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him, so as much of her was in contact with as much of him as possible. "I get that when you hurt your instinct is to be alone and work it out. But I'm not you Montana." She wasn't sure why, but tears rose to her eyes. He continued, "when things get tough for me Lindsay, I get stronger, the closer you are to me." Before she thought enough to fight its escape, a tear ran down her cheek. He caught it with his thumb.

"Linds, if you want to go because you want to think about what the Fed said, I understand. But I'll tell you one thing, right now, I feel like my world is shaking, and the one thing I will always reach for is your hand. Together, you and I can handle anything. I've learned this Montana."

She swallowed and nodded. Not knowing what else to do she leaned into him and wrapper her arms around his neck. She thought perhaps she heard him murmur "I love you" into her neck, but she decided tonight was not the night for that, so she pretended not to hear him, as she would all night.

They ate their soup and found their way to his bed. His mind spinning on every moment from his childhood to this one in her arms. She could sense his desperation and reached out to him with her body, forcing him to focus on the connection of her flesh against his. The joined and each fell calm as they approached sleep.


	2. Chapter 2: World above and world below

A/N: So I have ZERO confidence in my 'M' writing so I sort if skipped over that part in my last chap. BTW all you fanfic writers who write so linearly, I envy you. Chapter 8 is done, 6 is half done….I have trouble making them all fit together.

Chapter 2: _Worlds above and worlds below_

"Lindsay?" he uttered into the darkness although he knew she was well on her way to sleep.

"mmmm" she replied.

"This Fed, he called you this afternoon?"

"mm-hmm" she didn't rouse herself to answer, because she knew he knew the answer. He was there when Donahue called.

"You didn't want to sleep on it? Go home and think it through, consider everything you knew about me and weigh if maybe, just maybe, I weren't a 'bad guy', a 'wise guy'." He asked as his voice turned steely, his hand in constant motion, stroking her naked back.. "Didn't it freak you out? Make you wonder who you were with?"

"mm-mmm" she replied in a sleepy negative, lazily running her hand over his chest. "I'm with you." She said snuggling closer to him, still not opening her eyes.

"You talked it over with Mac or Stella and decided to come here to tell me?" He asked, testing the depth of her trust.

Now she pushed away from him and arched her back hovering above him but holding his gaze.

"No Danny. Of course I didn't. I wouldn't tell anyone but you this. This is your life, its your business no one else's. I came here to tell you because… well, I guess no matter who the Feds called me about, my first instinct would have been to come to you." She tugged on the sheets and held them closer to her naked body now suddenly aware of how exposed to him she was.

He could tell by her eyes she was hurt, if not angry.

"Lindsay, I'm sorry. I've just never had nobody trust me like this before. I don't get it." He said softly, but looking away from her. "You didn't consider for even a moment, that maybe what they said was true. That maybe I _should_ be under investigation?" Her brow furrowed and she tried to digest what he was asking. She could feel his earnest search for understanding. She sighed and shook her head slightly.

"I guess I think I know you. I would sense if there were anything about you that was untrustworthy." She paused considering the question more fully. "No, damnit Danny. I do know you. You're one of the good guys. I've seen you prove it, even while I fear it may kill you. You can't help it, you want to put the bad guys away, you're not one of them." Even though her voice had risen with her conviction, she could see her explanation had little impact on him.

"Danny," she whispered. "Are you mad at me for trusting you?"

"No." He said running the hand not wrapped around her waist through his hair. Licking his lips, he continued. "Not really. I just worry about you. Why trust _me_? What if what this Fed says is true. Do you trust everybody like this? If you do Monroe it could get you in trouble…" he was cut off when she brought her lips to his to silence him. Something in him seemed hysterical, out of control. She assumed it was the surfacing of all of the issues Danny tried to keep buried. She knew how to calm him.

"No Danny." She whispered. "I only trust you like this." She said as she kissed him again. "Its only you I know like no other person I've ever known." She kissed him again as she released her grip on the sheets letting them fall away and again melding her flesh with his. "Its just you I trust like this." She said moving her body over his.

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As typical for their shared mornings, Danny woke early and tried to wake her before making coffee, with no success. He showered and knelt beside the bed kissing her face and hands until she stirred. "You gotta get up Montana." He said placing her cup of coffee beside her on the night table.

"Nnnnnn." She seemed to protest and he smiled. "Danny, ewww. Is this new coffee? Its smells disgusting." He laughed gently. This was a new excuse to get rid of him.

"No, babe. Same old coffee." He said smoothing her hair away from her face.

"Can you take it away? It smells like acid." She asked plaintively.

"Sure Montana. But you gotta get moving beautiful, its T minus 30 before we gotta be on the subway."

"Thirty?" She said rubbing her eyes.

"Yeah. Thirty." He said watching with amusement as his girl met the morning.

"Ok. I can get ready in 15." She said turning away from him but shimmying her body to the edge of the bed seeking his warmth, so her back rested against his chest.

He laughed out loud.

"Nah, you can't Lindsay. Remember we tried that last week and you were pissed at me all day cause you didn't have enough time to do your hair?"

"Daaanny." She groaned. "Please. I won't be mad at you today. I can do it in fifteen."

He slid his hand beneath the covers finding the exposed flesh of her abdomen. He stroked its silky firmness for a moment before slowly moving up beneath her tank top finding the edge of her breast. He cradled its mass in his hand and leaned to whisper huskily in her ear. "There's a lot of things I can do in fifteen minutes Montana, but it wouldn't be as good as if I had thirty." He felt her body react and her back arch as she woke.

She moved one hand up his forearm to his taunt bicep. "Ok, you show me what you can do in fifteen minutes and I can get ready in the other fifteen." She turned and grinned at him. He leaned in and kissed her at first passionately and then leaned back.

"I would Montana, but you still got morning breath. Get up and brush your teeth."

She slapped at his chest. "Dirty tricks Messer. You're so mean to me." She said sliding out of bed. He caught her naked body for one last time before she got ready for work. "Aw'right, I'll give ya a raincheck." He said taking one more nip at her neck. "Now go get ready," he said lightly swatting her on the behind as she headed to his shower.

He waited in his living room until she was dressed and ready to leave. He handed her the travel mug of coffee he had prepared with extra cream, no sugar as she preferred. She pushed it away from her body. "I'm serious Danny. There's something wrong with that coffee. I can't even stand to smell it." She said scowling.

He put the cup on his counter. "OK Princess. We'll get you something on the way." He said finding the small of her back as he led her out of his apartment. There was mocking in his voice, but they both knew he would do anything to make her happy.


	3. Chapter 3: Black clouds hanging over

Chapter 3: .._Black clouds hanging over the domain…_

Danny showered after his shift knowing Lindsay was working a double. Without letting her know, he checked with dispatch on her 20 to make sure she was safe before leaving the building. He was supposed to grab beers with Flack but he was called to the scene with Lindsay. Truth be told, Danny would prefer Flack was ensuring Lindsay's safety rather than occupying a bar stool next to him. He wasn't sure why but he went out to the bar himself.

When the hell had things gotten so screwed up? He was the subject of a federal investigation. Lindsay learned his Dad was connected, from a Fed. And she stood before him, offering him only trust. He tried to think if the tables were turned he would do he same for her. But he couldn't convince himself that he could be a trusting as she was.

She was now entangled in his life. His past that he fought so desperately to escape and overcome was now engulfing her. She had been approached by Feds. There were so many ways this was bad he didn't know where to start. Anyone else watching him, or watching her would now see her connected to the feds, and whatever else she might have been before she was now a liability. He took another long, hard tug on his beer.

Somewhere between his third and fourth beer he recalled Lindsay's' sweet and optimistic face bringing him Louie's tape at the hospital. Then it was her face lifeless against the pillows connected to machines. He understood now that her being close to him meant she was in danger. Danger he could only _try_ to protect her from. Danger he couldn't protect Louie from. He ordered another beer and barely noticed as a leggy blond in a low-cut tight sweater sat next to him.

"Hey." She said reaching across him to take a swig from his beer.

"Hey." He clipped in return. At first he thought this was the last thing he needed right now. Then he contemplated cause and effect. This blond could be the end of "He and Lindsay." And it was that union that put Lindsay in danger. He was being offered a quick out to the toughest situation of his life. Louie had pushed him from the Tanglewood boys, and had saved him the choice between someone you love, and what you know to be wrong. That was an act of grace their father had never offered them. Maybe he could be like Louie, and take this path to sever Lindsay from the Messer poison that had begun to taint her life.

One blond at a bar. If he cheated, she could escape. If he opened the door for her, she could fly away, free from the webs that clung to him. He needed to do right by her. He needed to set her free from the unquestioning trust she held for him that would only serve to harm her. He could release her now, right now, with just this blond. His resolve fixed, he leaned over and captured the blonde's lips in his own while rising to his feet, pulling her body to his. It was a move he didn't use often. But he never knew to fail.

And the blonde responded, whispering in his ear, "Let's get out of here."

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_Even when you're feeling warm, the temperature could drop away_

It must have been pollen and change of seasons or something, but Lindsay could no longer abide by the smell of coffee. It repulsed her and made her nauseous. Come to think of if it, many thing made her nauseous lately. Perhaps it was a stomach flu she decided. She walked from the crime lab to the subway looking forward to a long shower and a nap. She was trying to absorb as much warm sunlight as she could when she sensed a set of footsteps fall in time with her own.

"Detective Monroe?"

Lindsay recognized the voice.

"Agent Donahue. I told you the other day, I'm not interested…." He interrupted her.

"Things have changed since the other day Lindsay." He said somewhat shortly and she was offended at his use of her given name. She stopped abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk.

"Agent Donahue, I'm not sure…"

"Here." He said cutting her off again, shoving a folder of pictures at her middle.

She was speechless at his rudeness. She opened the folder and took a step backward, tears instantly pricking her eyes. She stumbled until her back found the support of a brick building. It was Danny, with a woman. The photos started outside his apartment of them inappropriately close and intimate on a street. She recognized the shirt as the one he was wearing the previous day at work. Then there were more photos through his window showing them naked, rapture on Danny's face as the blonde's hands and mouth were pleasuring him.

"Still trust him?" Donahue spat at her. She tried to compose herself in his presence.

"When were these taken?" Should couldn't cover her reaction to the photos.

"Last night." He never lost eye contact with her, knowing she knew the answer. "While you were working."

Lindsay ran a hand through her hair. She had left that morning extracting her naked body from his sheets, the same sheets he so quickly shared with another woman. The sheets she laid in while she told him she trusted him implicitly and while she pretended not to hear him tell her over and over that he loved her.

"Agent Donahue..." She said pushing him away from her as she bolted from the wall towards the nearest alley. He found her crouching behind a dumpster, vomiting.

"I'm sorry Detective Monroe. I really am. But you need to know, this guy is not who you think he is."

She wiped at her mouth with the back of her hand.

"I guess I'm supposed to thank you?" She asked rising to her feet attempting to regain her composure.

"I don't expect that. I only want you to have your eyes open here." He said.

She nodded and drew a long deep breath. "Agent." She said nodding drawing the folder close to her body as she walked past him.


	4. Chapter 4:Smiling as the ship comes down

_Chapter 4: Smiling as the ship comes down_

Lindsay stood in an alleyway, near what had just moments ago been the contents of her stomach. She felt dizzy but glanced at the dumpster and dingy buildings presently at hand and determined nothing was safe to lean on, so she remainder on her own feet trying to find a solid point somewhere on the horizon.

Danny, a blond, a punch somewhere in her middle, Danny, a federal agent, a loss of her own breath, Danny, a blond, her future, Danny…it all swirled around her while she struggled to formulate a plan. What did she do next? How did she make her feet move from this alleyway which was becoming too pungent to remain in? How did she move forward from here?

Danny, a blond, Danny, Danny, Danny. Tears were no longer a force she could control. She knew somewhere close behind her stood a federal agent. She knew she had been moving through her post work routine in a countdown to the minutes Danny would be in her presence. What do I…? Where do I…? there were questions she couldn't answer but she knew her legs would only hold her for so much longer. Refusing to let Donahue know he had succeeded in destroying her she ducked into the Borders a block from the alleyway. She found the ladies room, locked herself in the last stall and immediately crumpled in on herself.

"Omygod, omygod, omygod." She whispered as too many things made themselves fixed in her mind. She was pregnant. Danny had cheated. She was alone in a bathroom in Manhattan. She punched her own knee briefly allowing herself a "why me?" moment.

"Ok." She whispered to herself again.. "I can handle this. I can do this." Step 1. get a home pregnancy test. Step 2. rearrange some shifts and give herself space from Danny for a day or two until she could trust herself to be in his presence without evaporating into a small piece of dust and blowing away. Step 3. Stella. Stella would listen. She would need to have assignments juggled as she wouldn't be able to handle some chemicals while in her 1st trimester at least. But she could do A/V, prints, DNA, research, she could still contribute. She would need to talk to Stella. Maybe tomorrow she would be able to say something out loud.

She managed to leave the Borders ladies room and find her way to a subway to take her home.

Once there she was relieved to find a message from Danny that he was on duty and wouldn't be able to see her that day as they had planned. She numbly walked to her bedroom, robotically turning on the water in the shower and removing her clothes as she stepped under the stream and hoped it would wash some of her own self-loathing and confusion away.

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Danny had awoken next to a woman who was not Lindsay Monroe and he felt something inside him fall away. How had this happened? How could he have really done this? Bits of his confusion came back to him. He had thought this would save her. She would of course leave him. This way she wouldn't be embroiled in what his father had bestowed upon him. She needed to free of this, and in his moments of solitary desperation to protect her, this was his plan.

He felt panic rush through him as he realized there was no taking this back. The last time he lay in this bed Lindsay had layed beside him. Bared to him after displaying a trust that confounded him. He looked at the blond and knew he had to follow through with this. He had stopped himself just short the night before, but he needed to tell Lindsay of his betrayal. This was how the plan needed to unfold.

He exhaled slowly, running his hand through his hair.

"Sweetheart," he said, not really sure if he ever caught the blond's name. "I gotta get going." The blond roused and moved to embrace Danny's naked body beside her, just as he slipped out from between the sheets. "I'm running late here. I'll catch up with you later" He said walking to his bathroom, closing the door and immediately leaning against it. His former player MO had not let him down. Use 'em, lose 'em. He gulped at the prospect that might be who he truly was. He reminded himself had a higher calling here, and Lindsay would only benefit from his incredibly disgusting actions. "Montana." He whispered.

He switched shifts with Hawkes to give himself 12 hours to get his game face on and he planned to go to her tomorrow morning when he knew she had the day off and wouldn't have to immediately go to work after he broke her heart.

At 6am when the overnight shift was relieved he stopped at H&H to get her favorite bagel and coffee. He stood holding them on the subway to her apartment trying to think of why he was bringing a peace offering if he anticipated anything but peace.


	5. Chapter 5: You can tell a man by

Chapter 5: _You can tell a man by what he has to say._

He arrived unsure if she might still be asleep so he used his key to let himself into her apartment. He could smell her shampoo filling the apartment and knew she was up and showered. He heard her stirring in her bedroom and called out to her.

"Montana," a knot formed in his stomach, recognizing that maybe the last time he called her that. "You up?"

She glanced in the trash at the home pregnancy test that showed a faint line reflecting "positive" results.

She made some weak reply from her bedroom, and emerged a few moments later. Her hair still mostly wet she looked frail and tired. It was as if she hadn't slept and her eyes and cheeks looked puffy and red.

"You aw'right?" He asked, losing his resolve to unsettle her if there was already something wrong.

"Yeah. Rough night is all." She said dismissively. She didn't walk to him and embrace him as she would have if her heart were still intact. She stood across the room trying to figure out how to maintain distance from him, so she didn't crack to pieces.

"I didn't expect to see you." She said softly.

"No. I juggled a shift or two. I knew it was your day off, and I wanted to talk to you about somethin'." Normally days off together meant cozy, slow days of contact and kisses. But he too made no move to bridge the gap between them. He gestured to the table with her coffee and bagel waiting. She walked to it and sat down opposite him but didn't smile, she just held his gaze. She nodded for him to continue.

"Somethin' happened the other night. Somethin' that shouldn't have happened." It was not the start he was hoping for, but she registered no curiosity or concern. She sat, impassively listening. "I got lost Montana. I got confused by where we are and what you mean to me. It scared me." He ran a hand through his hair, aloud it was sounded lamer than the ferocity and weight he felt that night he decided to rip her heart apart. He tried to continue.

"I had too many drinks and there was a girl." The moment it left his lips he winced at the cliché of male infidelity. The tone of his admission and the smell of something edible was a combination she couldn't presently bare so she pushed the food gently until its scent no longer filled her nostrils. She was disappointed when it didn't also relieve her of the nausea of this moment.

"I know Danny." She said quietly. There had been a large white envelope on the table between them. He had ignored it thinking it was junk mail. But she pushed it towards him and kept her eyes on his, watching his reaction as he opened it and took the photos from inside.

The confusion evident on his face, she supplied "My new friend Donahue, the Fed, brought them to me at work on Wednesday."

Wednesday. The morning after it happened. She knew since Wednesday and she didn't key his car, call him screaming, or run to their boss about his untrustworthy character. She simply avoided him, as he had her.

She sat at the table coolly fingering the lid of the coffee cup before her. She wasn't raging. She wasn't threatening to throw the boiling hot contents of the cup in his face. She was resigned. She had come to realize this conversation was not worth her emotion. He looked at the damning photos, ones of him with his lips on another woman, ones of him unclothed with his head thrown back in passion as the woman's lips were on him.

"Lindsay, I couldn't go through with it." He was all he could think to say, barely breathing as she held his eyes.

"What couldn't you go through with Danny?" Her own voice a calm whisper. "Penetration or ejaculation? Which is the act that not completing makes it OK?"

It was the disdain in her completely controlled voice that staggered him. The words she chose were clinical yet somehow more forceful than if she had physically kicked the air from his lungs. That night, in the bar, part of his ridiculous plan was for her to hate him, and a sickness washed over him as he realized he was successful. He was losing her.

He closed his eyes and lowered his head. There were no words to make this better.

"Danny I think its best if you leave." She said.

He opened his eyes and watched the floor in front if him as he made his way to the door. His hand on the knob, he heard her sigh and softly say, "Danny, one thing."

He didn't turn around. He had no illusions that forgiveness was behind him. Her voice still, even and calm as if detached. "I wonder why."

He swallowed hard. Perhaps if she really did have all day he could begin to explain why, but she interrupted his hopefulness.

"Why would Donahue give me these photos?" she asked taking him again off balance.

He turned to find her with her elbows resting on the table as she rubbed her forehead over and over with the heel of her hand. He knew she was exhausted, not finding comfort in sleep since she had been shown his betrayal.

"What do you mean?" He asked in a strangled whisper. She didn't search for his eyes but instead the envelope before her.

"What's in it for him here? He gives me these pictures and you and I are through. Any hope that he ever had that I would inform on you is gone, because now we're not together and I don't have any information to give." She ran her fingers through her still damp hair.

He blinked a few times, contemplating her question. He shifted his weight from side to side on his feet as he did when he was hypothesizing.

"We're still coworkers, partners. We share an office. You might overhear something, and now you hate me, so you tell him everything?" He floated the idea out there as they did when they worked a case. She didn't object to the premise that now she hated him, and he winced.

"Maybe. Or maybe I ask to switch shifts permanently. Even offices so I don't have to work in close proximity to you everyday, because it hurts so badly."

He swallowed hard. He hurt her. Badly. He closed his eyes and shook his head slightly dismissing that idea and coming up with another.

"Maybe in time you forgive me, and we are back together, but now you don't trust me the way you used to, and its easier for him to get in between us and get information from you."

She ran her hands up and down her upper arms as if embracing herself from what was now her life.

"Maybe. But what a long shot? He would have profiled me. I'm an investigator, from a small-town in Montana. I grew up on a ranch in a church-going family. I graduated valedictorian of my High School and University class. I'm educated. I have self-esteem. I know right from wrong. I don't abide by cheaters. What are the chances we're getting back together?"

He felt chilled to the point of numb. She was running theories with him as if it were any case, any puzzle, not their hearts. There was no hint of emotion in her voice as she told him, they were, unquestioningly, never getting back together.

"Lindsay," he said resignedly in a hoarse whisper. "I don't know why he gave you the pictures."

She mutely nodded and tried to stifle a sigh.

"Did you really come here to tell me yourself?" She asked. It was an important question, but not connected to their current thread of conversation.

"Yes." He answered without hesitation.

She closed her eyes slowly. Perhaps if she hadn't expended so many in the last few days a tear would have come to her eyes. But she was, presently, without tears for him. "Do you think it would have mattered? If I had found out from you?"

"I don't know Linds." He said as his own jaw stuttered with tears.

Her head in her hands leaning on the table, she nodded, but didn't look at him. Even now after all of this, or perhaps even more so because of it, she was self-conscious around him. She felt small and unattractive in the reflection of the blond caught on film rapturing her boyfriend.

"Maybe the pictures get me out of the way." She looked at him now for the first time since his hand left the doorknob. "I wouldn't betray you." He felt the weight of her words. She wouldn't betray him to federal law enforcement officials despite some reason to, and here, seemingly on whimsy, he had broken her heart.

"Now, you can be with someone new. Someone who maybe they can get to." She didn't want to sound as if she were an embittered ex-girlfriend assuring him he would never again have what he had lost with her. But she wanted to make him aware of the possibility that the feds were dangerous.

He squinted, and creased his brow as he rocked on the balls of his feet. She knew him well enough to know that meant he was thinking, and that was all she wanted.

"Anyway," she said rising from the table. "Its not for me to figure out, and I didn't mean to keep you." She said as if just chatting with a girl scout who had come to the door selling cookies. She walked to her sink, removing the lid from the coffee cup and pouring the now tepid liquid down the drain. Returning to the table she handed him the envelope that had pulled the rug from under her life.

"You can have them," she said. Then, walking to her laptop bag, she fished out a second envelope, "And these." He opened the new envelope to find pictures of he and Lindsay crossing a street hand-in-hand, another of them smiling in a restaurant, perhaps only he would have immediately noticed their feet intertwined beneath the table. There were more, even one of them through his window, in infrared but he could make out his own sleeping form clinging to Lindsay's, his head resting on her chest as if a child she shielded from a nightmare. He was lost for a moment in contemplating what he had destroyed. She held peace for him, and he nuked it with missiles at long range.

"Donahue sent me these the first day he asked me to inform on you. The day I told him you were a good guy." She bit back her own bile at applying that term to him now. She continued "Maybe with both sets you can figure out surveillance patterns or something useful." She said turning from him again. He knew she ached but he knew he was in no position to offer comfort.

"Lindsay. You didn't have to give me these." He said meekly trying to acknowledge that she was taking a very high road.

Her voice changed to almost a whisper. "I just don't want them here." She said as her shoulders began to tremble. He didn't think far enough ahead to consider what _this_ moment would feel like. The moment he watched Lindsay shatter at his hand. He could have sworn he heard a crack but didn't know if it was her breaking, or the ground beneath him opening up, or any hope of being a decent man splintering into bits at her feet. He felt less of a man than he ever had in his life.

"Jesus Christ Lindsay. I didn't want to hurt you." It was all he could do to keep his legs solid and hold himself from falling to his knees.

"Its done Danny. Please just go." He watched her small frame shake knowing he had undeniably hurt her, as he turned and left her with her pain.


	6. Chapter 6: Everything gets turned around

A/N: Thanks for all your reviews. They are much appreciated. They really do help keep me on track and going. Warning for language on this one….maybe I should have warned that before I can't remember.

Chapter 6: _Everything gets turned around. _

"So Danny shit where he eats." Flack said, trying to make her understand he knew the score and didn't cut his friend any slack. His completely uncouth phrasing made Lindsay grin then grimace at the imagery.

"Something like that, I guess" said continuing to collect the trace at the scene while attempting to remain calm at Flack's non sequitur.

"Lindsay, I know it probably doesn't mean much to you now, but he's a mess."

"Flack there's nothing I can do about that." She said taking a tape lift from the victim's shirt.

"Yeah, yeah I know. But listen," he said looking off in the distance, trying to appear casual. "You got friends here too Lindsay. You're a good kid, and Danny's a sonovabitch. Don't assume just because he was here first that its his back we got." He said trying in his way to reach out to her.

She stood, smoothing her pants and looking into his eyes. "Thank you Don. That means a lot to me." She said smiling for the first time in days. Don saw the sincerity and warmth in her eyes and voice and he wanted to kick Danny's ass.

"Don, can you keep it quiet that Danny and I have split up? Stella in particular will want to talk it all through and I just don't have it in me right now." She asked.

"No problem Lindsay. Its your business."

In truth she had told Stella as her supervisor that she was pregnant and would need modified lab duties. She couldn't face the shame in then explaining that Danny had cheated. She had told Stella she feared Danny wouldn't want her to have the baby, so she didn't plan on telling him until the second trimester when termination wouldn't even be a legal option. In reality she had no plan for telling Danny. She hoped that by the time she was showing that they would have been apart so long he would question paternity.

She thought about the web for a moment. Flack knew she and Danny weren't together but not that she was pregnant. He would keep the secret he knew. Stella knew that she was pregnant but not that she and Danny had broken up. And Stella would keep the pregnancy a secret. Danny of course knew about the other woman, but not about the baby. The others in the lab had generally drawn conclusions that Lindsay and Danny were in a relationship, but Danny and Lindsay had been professional enough on the job to never offer concrete confirmation. She bit her lip realizing she was the only one with all the information, and keeping all the secrets.

"So you OK here if I go back with the body? I'll leave a uniform with you." He asked, weary after his own double. Lindsay had changed shifts and was working the overnight, the sole CSI processing this scene.

"Sure." She said surveying the scene, and glancing at the uniform officer standing beside the squad car. "I'm almost done." Across the street she noticed a man leaning against the building opposite them wearing a black leather jacket, watching them work. He was notable because he had been there so long, and because it was a warm night to be wearing a leather jacket.

"Don, one thing before you go," she said reaching for his elbow before he turned from her. "That guy across the street." She indicated the direction with her head.

"Leather jacket?" Flask asked.

"Yes. He's been here since before I got here. Was he a witness, did he give a statement?"

"No. He wasn't here when I got on scene." Don replied. "You thinking Lookey Lou? Want me to move him along?"

"Well, or potential perpetrator. A lot of criminals will return to the scene in admiration of their own work."

"OK, let me have a chat with him." With that Flack turned to cross the street and immediately stopped in his tracks when he saw only the absence of a man wearing a black leather jacket on the facing sidewalk. "Shit." He muttered beneath his breath. "Linds, you see where he went?"

"No." She said and although she couldn't explain why, she felt an uncharacteristic wave of panic wash through her.

"Well that's just friggin great. Well, I'll put in the report. Double check the description when I send it over OK?"

"Of course, sure." She said, but regretted that she mentioned it as it resulted only in more paperwork for Flack.

She completed her collection and packed up all the evidence and her kit. She told the uniform he could go, but he replied that he was under orders from Flack to see that she made it to her car with the evidence before he could leave. She smiled to herself, sure that Flack's cautiousness was unnecessary but she allowed the officer to help her carry er kits and packages to the Tahoe. She unlocked the door and slid into the drivers seat, the officer closing the door behind her.

"Good night Detective Monroe." He said giving her a slight smile and nod.

"Good night Officer Ellis." She replied, slightly proud of herself for knowing the name of every officer she worked a scene with. As she watched him walk to his squad car, her stomach dropped slightly at the sight of a leather-clad man again leaning on the building across the street. She thought about radioing Flack, but didn't want to disturb him if it was nothing. So she noted to herself to amend Flack's report to indicate he had come back after Flack left the scene.


	7. Chapter 7: I will risk my neck, again

Chapter 7: _And I will risk my neck again. Again_

Danny and Lindsay stood in opposite ends of the layout room each going to considerable effort to demonstrate they could be professional in each other's presence. Flack burst through the door and surveyed the tension. He was working cases with both of them, but he decided to cast his vote, and walked towards Lindsay's zone.

"Monroe, you look like 10 miles of bad road." Don boomed.

She looked up from her microscope as one corner of her mouth turned up.

"You sure know how to sweet talk the ladies." She retorted.

"Nah, I'm serious." He said loud enough to be sure Danny could hear him. "Its like you haven't been sleeping or eating." At that Stella's head snapped up too.

"No, Really, Mom. I'm OK." Lindsay retorted giving him a steely glance. "Come on I want to show you something." She said tugging quickly on the arm of his suit jacket.

He followed her to her office and sat on the edge of her desk as she sat down in front of her computer entering a password.

"This about the DB in the bodega?"

"I don't know." She said to him scowling. "Remember him?" She asked pulling up a picture of black leather jacket man from the other day.

"Yeah, that guy that pulled a Houdini when I went to question him."

"Right." She said. "Except this picture was taken this morning at the Athletic club killing."

He gave her a puzzled looked. "The crimes related?"

"Not as far as I can tell." She answered. "There's nothing in common between the method or manner of death, the vics had nothing in common. The only thing they share is…" she trailed off and ran her hand over her face. "That I processed both scenes?" She said tentatively.

He nodded seriously. He knew the CSIs he worked with well enough to know if they thought it, it might be so.

"Don," She said turning away from the computer, and towards him. Leaning her elbows on her knees and holding her head. "I'm trying not to be paranoid here. But we didn't get pictures of him at the bodega. I need you to tell me….its him right?"

"Yeah Linds." He said laying his hand on her upper arm. "It sure looks like the same guy."

She looked up at him now, meeting his eyes.

"You said you'd be my friend right? I could come to you? You'd listen."

"Yeah, Linds, yeah." His brow creased as he met and held her gaze, he could tell she was feeling lost. She wanted to confide in and run ideas off Danny. But Danny was off limits to her, he would try his best to be a fair substitute. She nodded nervously.

"Look at this." She blew up the image of the tee shirt under the leather jacket. "ate lan y" was all that was exposed under the open jacket. She looked at his face to make sure he was paying attention and he watched as she pressed a couple of keys and "Staten Island Gym" was filled in from the missing letters.

"Dark hair, dark eyes, consistent with Italian heritage, from Staten Island." She inhaled deeply.

"Tanglewood Boys." He supplied for her. She was relieved that he drew that conclusion.

"Look at these, all known associates to the Tanglewood boys" she punched in a few more keys and three potential matches appeared next to the one from Lindsay's crime scene photo of the mystery man.

"You thinking any one of these could be our leather jacket?" He asked. She was warmed that he used the term 'our' as opposed to 'your'. She felt isolated and singled out, but he was becoming her ally.

She shrugged, tilted her head to one side, and then nodded.

"Ok, so we know a guy who might be able to tell for sure." He said. She looked at him as she nodded again.

"But you're not speaking to him, so you want me to ask?" Flack continued.

"Yes, but more than that. You can't tell him why you're asking."

"And why's that?" Flack asked. She inhaled and decided Flack had come this far with her she might as well bring him all the way in.

"Why might the Tanglewood boys be watching me?" She asked, inviting him to run theories with her.

"Because you're Danny's girl. They're gonna use you to get to him." She nodded nervously.

"Except I'm not anymore."

"You think they know that?"

"I don't know. I only know 'Leather Jacket' wasn't at my crime scenes before we broke up." She was trying to remain calm but was losing the battle.

"OK so…"

"Maybe they think I'm a threat to Danny?"

She was drawing dotted lines between herself, Danny, Tanglewood, and Feds, without saying as much but hoping Flack would understand. She then realized that was among the secrets she held, Danny was the subject of a Federal investigation, but Flack didn't know that.

"You gonna Lorena Bobbit him or something?" Flack asked.

She snorted in response. "I don't know Flack. They're either trying to get to him, or surround him. I don't know." She said a little flustered. She was so grateful he was taking her seriously, but that just made the danger real.

"OK. So you want me to ask Danny if 'Leather Jacket' is Larry, Mo or Curly here of the Tanglewood Boys."

She nodded and smiled sweetly at him. "Except you can't tell him why you're asking." She then glanced away and pulled hard copies of the photos from her desk which she handed to him.

"Don, you trust Danny right?" He looked at her quizzically, so she continued. "I mean I'm not an idiot to trust him. You're a second generation, born-and-bred, not fresh-off-the-farm cop and you trust him, right?"

Don ran his and over the lower half of his face.

"Lindsay," he began softly. "I trust that Danny is a good cop, a clean cop. I trust him behind me walking into any situation on the job. I'd trust him if he asked me to loan him money even if it was my last dime." She began to felt justified. "But I'd never, ever, trust him to date my sister." She visibly deflated, and Don again rested his hand on her arm. "That's just who he is Linds." She nodded looking at the floor.

"Let me go ask about this now." He said taking the photos and leaving their office. She watched through the glass as he took Danny into the hallway and presented him with the photos. Don saw her watching over Danny's shoulder and shook his head to indicate their Leather Man was not a known affiliate of the Tanglewood Boys. Perhaps she should have felt relief but she didn't. Even before Don had finished his conversation with Danny she had put on her jacket, and headed out of the building. Her destination fixed in her mind, she was about to explore her secondary theory on the identity of her stalker.


	8. Chapter 8: Up a Creek, and

A/N: So…I forgot say, I revised my outline. We're looking at 11-12 chapters. Sorry. But my commitment is to not abandon the story, despite my work deadlines I am falling behind on. I can't guarantee a twist-less ride, but hang with me shippers, we'll get there.

Chapter 8: _Up a creek and through the mill_

Flack returned his attention to Danny after signaling to Lindsay that her mystery man was not one of the three possible Tanglewood boys.

"Nah, he's not a Tangelwood Boy." Danny said handing the pictures back to Flack.

"So you don't know him?" Don said absently while pushing the photos back into the folder.

"I didn't say that." Danny said jamming his hands in his pockets.

"So, you do know him?" Now Flack's eyes were on him.

"Yeah." Danny replied, tight lipped.

"Dan, you and me, we're on the same team here remember? Wanna stop acting like you're gonna ask for your lawyer?"

Danny sighed heavily, this was a moment he knew would be a defining moment in his life. He prepared for it since he joined the academy. He had told himself the 'right' thing would be instinctual.

"Dan?" Flack continued prodding.

"Its Joey Black." Danny shook his head slightly correcting himself. "Joey Volpi."

"And you know him how?" Flack asked, there was no way he was letting him go.

Danny hesitaite and then answered, "He's been at my house every Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve as long as I can remember. He's a friend of the family." Danny answered calmly.

Don continued to only look at him, knowing there was more.

"He works for my Dad."

Don took a half step backwards, physically staggered by what that implied.

"He a suspect in something?" Danny asked. Flack hesitated, no longer sure of what to share with Danny.

"Not really." Flack answered, looking back down the hall and only now noticing Lindsay had left.

"What? You lawyering up now?" Danny asked annoyed. "I leveled with ya, we're on the same team and all." Don was no longer sure they were on the same team. Danny was his friend. Don knew the speculation about Danny's father, and that charges never stuck to him. Before, that had been enough for Flack. Now, Don felt Lindsay's safety was on the line if he played this wrong.

"He ever work for you? Or you work with him for your Dad? At all Dan, ever? Even when you were a kid?"

"Jesus Christ Flack." Danny said slightly turning away in anger and then turning back to his friend. "You really asking me what I think you're asking?"

Flack made no answer.

"Don. No. We got no connections beyond a weakness for my Ma's gravy. You gonna tell me what's going on?"

Flack bit his lip, weighing options and consequences for a moment more before he went with his gut.

"He's been tailing Lindsay."

"What?" Danny asked incredulously, his voice loud enough to startle those in the immediate area in the hallway.

"He showed up at two of Lindsay's crimes scenes, just watching her."

"The crimes related?" Danny asked jumping to the quick conclusion.

"Only because they were both handled by Monroe."

"She know this?" Danny asked, clearly distressed.

"She took the picture. She knows she's being tailed."

"Fuckin' A." Danny said spinning on his heel heading to his office where he hoped to find Lindsay.

"She left Dan."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lindsay walked with purpose toward her destination. She was sure she knew the identity of her stalker if he wasn't a thug from Staten Island. He was a federal agent portraying a thug from Staten Island.

She walked into the address on the business card Donahue had given her and demanded that the receptionist pull him from whatever meeting he may be in. She didn't sit, she was pacing, too agitated to be still. She was mentally preparing herself for the tongue-lashing she was about to deliver to a federal agent when a sight stopped her cold in her tracks. Emerging from a door marked 'Ladies Room', dressed in business attire, hair pulled back into a serious bun, was the slut that ruined her life. It was the blond from the pictures.

"Hey!" Lindsay yelled intently.

The blond's head snapped around as Lindsay grabbed her by the arm dragging her to the receptionist.

"I'm going to need to speak to her supervisor." Her voice reflecting the rage she was trying to suppress.

"I am already trying to reach agent Donahue as you requested." The receptionist replied coolly.

"Ok then, scratch that. I am going to need to speak to his superior." Lindsay said through clenched teeth, not relinquishing her hold on the blond's arm. She regretted she didn't have the photos on her. She no longer even had them in her possession, she had given them to Danny. This scenario, that the blond was a plant, was not one her mind hadn't played out. But she thought it would have been a local, paid for her services, not an actual agent. Lindsay was beginning to realize that this situation was bigger than her. She was beginning to regret being brazen and making demands. She came in, tough - as she would in any investigation. But she would have always had Danny behind her. He wasn't. Flack wasn't. She was alone in this, and in this moment. She cursed whatever hormones were running roughshod over her body as she began to feel overpowered by the nausea.

"Lindsay." The blond said softly. "I'm Agent Robinson."

Lindsay only listened, suppressing the hundreds of biting retorts she wanted to hiss at this woman.

"Why don't we talk alone?" the blond suggested.

"That's OK," was Lindsay's reply.

"I can only imagine what you are thinking, but woman to woman there are some things I would like you to know."

"Say it here." Lindsay demanded, wanting witnesses.

"What you think he did, he didn't go through with."

"So he said."

The blond looked from the receptionist back to Lindsay, and tried in some way to find her ear.

"And what he did do, he was under a very strong influence to do."

Lindsay tried to process the information. Was the blond saying Danny had been drugged? Was he somehow not under his own steam when he undertook to forsake her? It was a hopeful thought, but that could be addressed another time. She was standing in the offices of federal agents, and she suddenly felt outgunned. She was in the right, but began to feel tiny in the face of what was in front of her.

"The name. Give me the name of Donahue's supervisor." She ordered, to no one in particular.

"Christianson." The blond said softly. "Bill Christianson."

Lindsay nodded and released the blond's arm. She ran her hand through her hair and nodded again before turning and leaving. She would need Mac behind her if her she was truly escalating up the reporting chain of federal agents. She would call Mac, she planned. Later. After she went home, vomited, and had some ice cream. She walked to the subway and her mind spun around the car she was in, the pole she was grasping, the situation she was living and the information she now held. She hadn't realized day had faded to dusk and darkness was now shrouding the city. She emerged from the subway at her stop in a bubble of thoughts, and calculation. She paid no particular attention to her immediate surroundings as a pair of thick arms pulled her through a doorway and off the street. She surveyed the small entryway and stairwell, trying to grasp what was happening when she felt the first blow.


	9. Chapter 9: Things you can't explain

Chapter 9: _Like all the things you can't explain_

Danny, Flack and Hawkes had been called to a crime scene and were within close enough proximity to one another to notice that all their cell phones began ringing at the same time. Danny looking puzzled glanced at his caller ID and announced, "Dispatch" before answering.

"Dispatch." Hawkes confirmed.

"Dispatch" Flack offered as well.

After a moment, Flack and Hawkes muttered their meager thanks into their phones before closing them and watching as Danny's face twisted in pain and anger. Both his hands went through his hair as if his upper arms were cradling his face.

"Hawkes," Flack said softly. "Can you finish up here? I am going to take Danny to the hospital."

"Sure." Hawkes answered, not wholly satisfied with where that left him. He would be at the lab and not at the hospital supporting Lindsay. "When the scene is cleared though I will head over too." Flack nodded and gently led Danny away by the elbow.

No words were exchanged on the ride. Danny sat staring out of the passenger window chewing on his bottom lip. Stella was already there when they arrived, speaking with a doctor as they approached her.

"Danny." She uttered at the sight of him, and instinctively drew him into a hug.

"This is Dr. Malik. He's been looking after Lindsay."

"Is she alright?" He asked before his jaw was again set on edge.

"She is still unconscious. Her injuries are extensive. She will have a long recovery ahead of her, but at this point, as long as she regains consciousness in the next 24 hours, we are optimistic."

Danny only nodded at him.

"Are you Daniel Messer?" The Doctor asked having overheard Stella calling him 'Danny.'

"Yeah." Was all he could manage.

"Our records indicate you are Ms. Monroe's Health Care Proxy?" Danny recalled the afternoon she approached him shyly with the paperwork. It was her nature to have all her bases covered and have her forms in place. She asked him, given that her immediate family was so far away, if he would serve as her proxy should she be injured. She had told him she wanted it to be someone she trusted, someone who would make the sa,e decisions she would make if she could. His heart sank as he realized how far he had come from being that person. But in that afternoon months ago, he was touched as he signed his name next to hers.

"Yeah." He again choked out.

"I need to speak to you about medications and some decisions."

"Of course." Danny replied, following the doctor a few steps away and presumably out of earshot from Stella and Flack. The Doctor led Danny to some chairs facing the nurses station.

"Mr. Messer, I assume you are Ms. Monroe's boyfriend."

Danny nodded, not wanting to lie out loud.

"I am very sorry to inform you that the baby she was carrying did not survive the attack."

Danny swallowed hard trying to absorb the Doctor's words and yet not register shock. He nodded again, his mind racing, wondering if Lindsay had even known she was pregnant.

"There are medications, and treatments we wouldn't use if the baby was still alive. So I wanted you to know that given that we are no longer able to detect a fetal heart beat, we are going to proceed with any and all measures Ms. Monroe may need."

"Course." Danny said, catching sight of Stella staring at him and seeing in her eyes that she understood the weight of his present discussion. So she had known, and that meant Lindsay had known. Tears escaped his eyes.

"Can I see her?"

"Yes. They're just finishing up getting her into her room. They should be ready for you in a few minutes."

Danny rejoined Stella and Flack but made no attempt at conversation.

A nurse approached him and gingerly placed her hand on his elbow.

"Mr. Messer you can go in now." She said softly.

Danny followed her down the hall and stood next to Lindsay. He was relieved to see she was breathing of her own accord, but was dismayed by the many other machines and apparatus she was connected to. He stood beside the bed uncertain of his place in the room. Were Lindsay conscious would she want him there? Given that his recent decisions caused her so much pain would he really be the one she wanted making decisions for her?

She looked so much like the bleached out bodies on Sid's table that he felt the blood drain from his own face as he sank into the chair nearby. He was so consumed by his misery he didn't notice Stella had entered the room, holding a camera.

"Danny," she said softly. "We need to document her injuries."

He only nodded.

Danny watched intently absorbing every bruise as Stella gently peeled back the sheets and photographed Lindsay's arms, then turning them over and continuing to snap the camera. Then she gently replaced her friend's arm beneath the sheets and repeated her procedure on Lindsay's legs. Stella glanced briefly at Danny who would not make eye contact with her as she eased down the neck of Lindsay's hospital gown to photograph the black and purple marks that were beginning to form on her chest. She then eased the sheet down and Lindsay's gown up to reveal an almost pristinely white abdomen. The sight of Lindsay's mid-section drew Danny's mind back to his baby he hadn't known was growing there and he grabbed at his forehead and looked away.

"Danny," Stella interrupted softly , "hold her while I photograph her back?"

Danny rose and gently cradled Lindsay as he angled her limp body so Stella could capture the large wide bruises up and down Lindsay's spine.

Stella nodded at Danny and he reverently replaced Lindsay were she had been on the bed.

"Danny. The doctor told you about the baby?"

"Yeah. Its gone Stel. I didn't even know." He looked her in the eye now. "She told you?"

"Yeah Danny. There were things about her job that she had to change to protect the baby, so she had to tell me why she couldn't do some lab work anymore."

"I didn't think about that." Danny said absently.

"Danny, did you see her wounds?" She knew he was an investigator by instinct and it wouldn't have escaped him. He still held her eyes with his and nodded.

"Extensive defensive wounds to the arms, chest and shins…." She trailed off.

"And almost none on her abdomen." He turned his eyes to Lindsay's peaceful form. "She folded herself up, protecting the baby."

"It could have been one of the blows to her back causing enough trauma for her body to…" Stella stopped herself before again reminding him of their loss.

Silent tears were running down his face as his looked at Lindsay. His own body was uncharacteristically still.

"Danny are you OK?" Stella asked tentatively. He turned to her.

"Stella when I woke up this morning I thought the best thing I could do for her was keep her away from me and all I got to offer." His sarcasm seemingly out of place at Lindsay's bedside. He licked his lips and swallowed hard, returning his gaze to Lindsay's face. "Now, I'll never be able to look at her again without seeing the mother of my child, the child she offered up her own body to protect." Danny covered his face with his hands and leaned forward against his knees, no longer able to contain the sobs. Stella stood frozen in place observing his pain.

"Now," he gasped. "How I am supposed to live without her?"


	10. Chapter 10: Four Seasons in one day

A/N – so lets just forget I ever made a prediction about the number of chapters this story may be….OK?

Chapter 10: _Four seasons in one day._

Flack approached Lindsay's hospital room and caught sight of Stella on her knees, soothing Danny's seated form. He could hear her issuing reassuring words as he wrapped on the door frame. He spoke softly.

"Dan. An EMT, first responder on Lindsay's scene, is here. She's been calling the station house and lab trying to find you."

"K." Danny said, indicating he was fine right there if Flack wanted to bring the EMT in.

"Yeah. This is ICU and they got rules on number of visitors." Flack said still standing in the doorway. "If I move my left foot we are already over that limit by two. Why don't you come out and talk to her in the waiting room?"

Danny wiped at his face as he rose and walked passed Flack, who caught Stella's thankful expression. She then proceeded to pull the privacy curtain knowing she had to perform a rape exam.

Flack made the introductions.

"Alisa Remy, this is Danny Messer." Danny outstretched his hand which she took and pumped half heartedly a few times taking in the disheveled, blue-eyed detective before her.

"Hey," She said half nodding, but not progressing the conversation.

"You've been trying to reach him?" Flack supplied.

"Yeah." She said running her hand through her hair, suddenly seeming unsure. The seasoned interrogator, Flack noticed.

"Why don't you just tell us what happened when you arrive at the call." Flack suggested.

The petite EMT nodded.

"Upstairs tenant called it in - woman had been beaten and needed medical attention. We found her just behind the door to stairway leading up to apartments over the stores on 15th." She paused, recalling the scene. "She was struggling to stand, trying to find her phone. When she saw us, right off she told us she was pregnant." At that Flack raised his eyebrows, but otherwise registered no reaction.

"But she kept trying to find her phone. We thought it was to call for help, but even with us there, she kept looking. We tried to get her to calm down so we could examine and treat her. That was when she identified herself as a CSI and said it was important to find her partner Danny Messer. We told her we'd find him, and then she finally let us look at her." She met Danny's eyes, which were clouded with his and Lindsay's shared pain.

"At first we heard the fetal heartbeat, but it was thready, and with Detective Monroe's condition, we sorta knew…." She trailed off. Danny understood they knew the tiny life was slipping away and they needed to focus on Lindsay.

"She let us treat some immediate wounds, but she was beat pretty bad, we were all sure she had internal injuries. She was starting to lose consciousness and that seemed to panic her." Danny inhaled sharply and audibly at the image of Lindsay hurt and scared. "She grabbed my arm and kept telling me over and over 'You have to find Danny Messer. You have to find Danny.'" At this she looked from Danny to Flack and back again. She had to make a choice, to trust or not. She was unwilling to continue. Again Flack picked up the tension.

"What did she want you to find him for?"

"She passed out before she ever said what she wanted us to do when we found him." She said honestly.

Flack nodded. "Dan. You can go back to the room. I can finish up here." He said.

"Thanks." Danny said weakly.

"Sure" she said watching as Danny turned and heads back to Lindsay's room.

Flack immediately returned his attention to the EMT.

"What else did she say?" She turned to him and without missing a beat continued.

"Danny Messer. You have to find him. He's not safe." Flack's brow furrowed.

"She said it over and over. 'Please, Danny Messer, you have to find him. He's not safe.' Detective Flack, I still don't know if she meant that he was in danger," her voiced dropped slightly. "Or if he was the danger." Flack nodded again. He was beginning to wonder himself.

"Thank you for everything you did for Lindsay. I know she would thank you herself if she could, for finding him, one way or another."

She looked unconvinced, as if she wasn't sure if Lindsay herself was safe.

They both glanced down the hallway to see that Danny had not re-entered Lindsay's room but instead stood further down the hallway with his cell phone to his ear.

"Pop. I gotta talk to you about Joey Black," he ran his hand through his hair, "and Lindsay."

"Danny you know I don't like to talk on these _cell_ phones." He said, feigning an old man unaccustomed to technology.

Danny swallowed and looked up the hallway to Flack and the EMT, and his eyes traveled back to the doorway of Lindsay's hospital room.

Sighing he continued, "I can be there in an 45 minutes." He said before clapping shut his phone.


	11. Chapter 11: Blood Dries Up

_Chapter 11: Blood dries up. I pray. I pray._

Danny sighed passing by Lindsay's room heading back past Flack. He recalled the Doctor's warning that the first 24 hours of Lindsay's recovery would be telling. But he knew he couldn't back down from his father's subtle summons. He had issued the requirement for the conversation, but his father would only have it on his terms. Danny rationalized to himself that Lindsay would only be sleeping and he could serve her better by keeping his father at bay.

"Dan, you going to get coffee? I can use some." Flack said falling in step with him.

"Nah." Danny said quickly glancing at Flack realizing he would now have to lie to his friend.

"I gotta take care of some things. Maybe pick up some clothes for Lindsay. I should be back in a couple of hours."

"Really?" Flack said pointedly. "Doctors say Lindsay's out of the woods? You Ok just to leave her like this?" Flack was amplifying Danny's inner guilt.

"Not in so many words. But I think I can do her more good this way." Danny said.

"Let me drive you. I'll put the lights on, save you some time."

"Its Ok man. I can manage."

"No seriously Dan." Flack said giving him a steely glance. "I'm not gonna take no for an answer here."

"Fuck." Danny muttered under his breath. "Fine. But do me a favor, and don't put the lights on."

Adam came to the hospital after his shift and was surprised to see the seat at Lindsay's bedside unoccupied. He placed himself in it. He recalled the day Lindsay entered his lab looking for results only to find him backlogged and overwhelmed. When he snapped at her and told her she would have to wait, she replied gently that she was stuck without his results. She silently donned gloves and began prepping experiments for him. That alone awed him as no other CSI had ever offered him help that way. What always stuck with him was that she started with the top of his pile, not her own case.

"Danny." She said weakly, emerging from a fog.

"He's not here Lindsay. Its me, Adam." He said cautiously taking her hand.

She opened her eyes and closed them again immediately. It may have been the light or the lack of oxygen, but she couldn't keep her eyes open without sharp pain as if they would crack and break.

"Adam." She choked out. "I need to talk to Danny. Can you find him?"

"Sure. Let me call him." He said taking out his cell phone and hitting one of his speed dials.

Danny saw Adam's number come up on his caller ID, and tapped the "Ignore" option on his screen.

"We're going to see your old man?" Flack said from the driver's seat.

"Yeah." Danny clipped, staring out the window.

"You want to remind me why, when Lindsay is lying in a hospital bed, and these could quite possibly be her last hours?"

"Jesus Flack!" Danny screamed as he turned to his friend. "You want to make me feel any worse about this?"

Flack swallowed his anger and remembered his interrogation training, opting instead to take a calmer path with Danny.

"Probably not. I just want you to let me help you. And Lindsay." He glanced quickly at his friend as they entered the Verranzano Narrows bridge towards Staten Island. "I need you to be straight with me to do that."

"Ok. You be straight with me." Danny said angrily staring at Flack, knowing his friend didn't fully see him. "What did the EMT say when I walked away?"

Flack didn't look at him, instinct told him his reaction needed to be instantaneous for Danny to trust and open up to him.

"That Lindsay told her you 'weren't safe' and she didn't know if that meant you were in trouble or that you were trouble."

"Who didn't know, Lindsay or the EMT."

Flack's brow furrowed trying to unweave the third-hand conversations.

"The EMT. She said that's all Linds kept saying over and over 'Danny Messer, he's not safe.'"

Danny felt his stomach clench and twist. Even he didn't know if Lindsay thought he was a threat.

Adam lifted his eyes to see Lindsay's closed again. He squeezed her hand.

"Lindsay, he didn't answer his cell phone."

She made no reply and he wondered if she was unconscious again. He subtly slipped his hand from hers to feel for her pulse.

"Use mine." She said weakly only barely opening her eyes. "It should be in the pocket of my pants. He'll answer." She instructed.

A/N: Sorry I've been MIA. We moved and my silly husband thinks I should actually unpack vs. being on-line.


	12. Chap 12:Doesn't Pay to Make Predictions

Chapter 12: _Doesn't pay to make predictions_

Danny stood on the steps outside of the door to the building he grew up in. He knew Flack was watching in him from the car, taking in his hesitation. It was unlikely the conversation that he was about to undertake would extract he or Lindsay from this mess. Most likely it would drag Danny in deeper as he would have to acknowledge things he turned a blind eye to his entire life.

He inhaled so deeply his chest hurt as he hesitated with his finger poised at the doorbell. He felt the vibration of his cell phone in his inner jacket pocket. Instinctively he removed his phone and he felt both warm and cold tingles through his body as his caller ID read "Montana Cell." His brow furrowed as he cracked his phone open.

"Linds?"

"Danny." She whispered into the phone, feeling very weak. Despite all that transpired, the sound of his voice still soothed her. He stumbled backward, his back finding the metal railing. She was awake, and he wasn't there.

There was silence on the line. It was his turn to speak but he could think of nothing to say.

"Danny." She said again. "I need to see you," her voice weak and frail.

"OK." He said looking from the doorbell he was about to ring, back to the car where Flack was waiting. "I need to wrap up one thing up first, and I will be there as soon as I can."

Adam looked up from her chart which he was reading from the chair at her bedside to see her eyes slowly close and open again. Her lids were heavy and she was not fully herself, even he could tell.

"Danny," She spoke his name again, fully understanding each time she did she inserted more and more of herself inside him. "Are you on a case?"

He didn't know how to respond, this was not work-related.

"No." He heard her breathe deeply into the phone, her own pain causing her to lose patience with him.

"Then can you be here soon?" He again heard her breathe in softly and exhale sharply with pain. "I need to tell you about something." She said hesitantly.

As if someone physically struck him Danny leaned backward against the railing looking skyward. Lindsay wanted to tell him about the baby, the baby she thought he didn't know about, the baby she fought so desperately to protect, the baby she didn't yet know was gone.

How could he have left her? His gut clenched and unclenched.

"Yeah." He said glancing up at the window he knew to be his father's office. "I'll be right there." He paused before continuing. "Is anyone with you?" He held his breath awaiting her answer.

"Yes." She spoke slowly. "Adam is here with me." He exhaled with relief that one of their own team was watching over her, as he was continuing his self-recrimination for not making arrangements to such before he left her, alone. "And Danny, Donahue is in the hallway waiting to talk to me, I can see him." She felt dizziness overtaking her, she limply handed the phone to Adam before again succumbing to the overwhelming tide that was pulling at her.

"Lindsay!" Danny heard Adam calling to her.

"Lindsay!" Danny echoed into the phone. "Lindsay!" He heard shuffling and commotion and somewhere in the background he heard Adam's voice giving an account to someone.

"Adam!" Danny called, hoping to remind someone he was on the phone. There was more exchange and eventually, he was addressed.

"Danny." The voice was not the buttery richness of his Montana, but instead the skeptical and hesitant one of their coworker.

"Adam, is she OK?"

"She's unconscious again." Danny swallowed hard and inwardly again cursed himself for leaving her. He tried to imagine the scene in the room he abandoned.

"Did you read her chart?" He asked Adam.

"Yes." Adam replied without shame. Knowing now that Adam knew the baby had once existed, but now was gone, he continued.

"Don't let the Doctors tell her Adam. I'll be right there, I'll tell her."

"Ok." Adam said softly, knowing it was best for Lindsay to hear it from Danny.

"And Adam." Danny said now quite intently. "Don't let that piece of shit Donahue anywhere near her."

"Danny he's a Fed, what am I supposed to…" he couldn't finish before Danny interrupted him.

"Call Mac if you have to. Don't let Donahue near her!" Danny snapped his phone shut again and rushed back into the passenger seat next to Flack.

"We have to get back to the hospital." Danny said to his friend.

"K." Flack said without question, slamming the car in gear.

"And Flack, put the lights on."


End file.
